I can’t tell

I can’t tell if I’m upset or okay with this situation.

Officially housesitting now. One peep from A today and then she vanished. Not sure why but it was super nice out and she has kids so I’m guessing she had her hands full. No bother I know I’m not a priority for her. I’m not a priority for anyone. It’s kinda sad in a way and especially when i say it aloud like that, but for the most part it’s not a worry.

Anyway I’m theorizing that she’s been avoiding me if she can for the lack of having to own up to not wanting to come see me while I’m here. Because she doesn’t trust me, she doesn’t trust herself, or she ain’t got time for that shit. In any event it looks like I’ll be here fully solo all week as much as I was hoping it would be otherwise…

I found the girl on Instagram. She’s so damn cute and smiley but has some demons… and I can’t tell if she’s gay or not. Very annoying. But I will find out eventually, just like I eventually found her name and her online identity to a degree. And it’s more something to keep my brain occupied than anything else. I already feel like I’m stalking her…

I just want someone I can get high with and talk about life. Like I did with L yesterday. Yeah, she’s good with coming by and did on my first night here. And it was nice and mellow, just want I had been hoping for. So in that sense I really can’t complain. It’s so damn quiet here.

I’ll get my learn on this week. I have to. I have to distract myself with something that’s going to benefit me eventually, and that’s something… so I have to.

Going home

Good vaca. Mom is still Mom, and that’s a good thing. She seems a little better than before but admitted early on she was pretty wrecked after the last guy. I can’t imagine what she’s been through but she’s doing better on her own.

Not looking forward to the car ride home with wife but at least it’s short. Only from the train station. I’ve been in longer, more uncomfortable car rides and made it through.

So five days without weed. Head feels normal, no better or worse than normal… I’m not craving it but I’m sure lookin forward to having some again. I missed out on sharing with the tubbers yesterday, bummer, then lost them all together. Not that I woulda been able to talk to either girl anyway. I really need to get my self confidence up, especially when I’m on goddamn vacation.

Next Summer Plan is housesitting for J&E. A will be coming over. I want things to happen but I don’t. I don’t want to mess up her life. So at least I can build imaginary situations around it. And they never lead to sex… I just want kissing. Lots of it.

Speaking of A, reminders of her all over this weekend. Mom’s stories, new book and the wifi… so weird. Coincidence? Probably … or not…