Night

Night is going to be the worst, I think. I can already feel it.. the loneliness. The self loathing. The barely-contained desire to call her and beg or something. I know it will pass and hopefully I’ll be able to re-read this post one day and laugh… but man it is not going to be easy.

She didn’t just make me feel wanted… I felt alive. I felt like anything was possible as long as she was there with me through it. I don’t know why or how I could get that impression after a month… maybe it’s my loneliness taking over completely. like the pent-up sexual frustration (which is about 100 times worse now, thank you very much) but emotions and a desire to be with someone who wanted me. I don’t think that’s an uncalled for thing, and I don’t think it was presumptive of me to get the impression she did want me.

Got rid of the song, too. There are too many things that remind me other than that, but that was a big one. Hopefully will not her it ever again, but…

So ridiculous. She couldn’t see this coming and of course it was going to scare her off… Really, I’m just lucky she didn’t take too long for that to happen. I mean, imagine if it was three months of this semi-bliss and not just a few weeks? Man that would be some long-term healing shit.

I really need a good cry, I think. Had one developing earlier and of course the roommate ruined it. It does mean feeling awful for a while, but hopefully if i wallow in it intentionally there will be less chance of it sneaking up on me.

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I can’t tell

I can’t tell if I’m upset or okay with this situation.

Officially housesitting now. One peep from A today and then she vanished. Not sure why but it was super nice out and she has kids so I’m guessing she had her hands full. No bother I know I’m not a priority for her. I’m not a priority for anyone. It’s kinda sad in a way and especially when i say it aloud like that, but for the most part it’s not a worry.

Anyway I’m theorizing that she’s been avoiding me if she can for the lack of having to own up to not wanting to come see me while I’m here. Because she doesn’t trust me, she doesn’t trust herself, or she ain’t got time for that shit. In any event it looks like I’ll be here fully solo all week as much as I was hoping it would be otherwise…

I found the girl on Instagram. She’s so damn cute and smiley but has some demons… and I can’t tell if she’s gay or not. Very annoying. But I will find out eventually, just like I eventually found her name and her online identity to a degree. And it’s more something to keep my brain occupied than anything else. I already feel like I’m stalking her…

I just want someone I can get high with and talk about life. Like I did with L yesterday. Yeah, she’s good with coming by and did on my first night here. And it was nice and mellow, just want I had been hoping for. So in that sense I really can’t complain. It’s so damn quiet here.

I’ll get my learn on this week. I have to. I have to distract myself with something that’s going to benefit me eventually, and that’s something… so I have to.

So high

The problem with vaping is its ease. It’s not messy, it doesn’t smell for long and the battery lasts a looooong time. It’s so easy to just… keep… smoking… Hrumph.

Interacted with wife today, about cats. That part of us still works, I guess. The rest is for shit. Now she wants to spend $$$ on the oldest but man… it’s kind of a lot for what I do not perceive of as that big of a deal to him. But I can’t tell her to pay for it herself, though now would be an ideal time for her to do that since 18 months things are going to be… different.

A has been off and on this weekend, kind of annoyed. But she’s got a life. A big one with lots of people in it that love her and want to be around her. I’m just a friend. A fun friend, but nothing that should distract her from anything. But man, I want to be a distraction…

I want someone to feel the way I do for her about me … or similar. Just constantly fascinated and wanting more… of her, about her… i just wish we could spend more time together just talking. Not her telling one of her insanely detailed stories, but shooting the shit.

Does she link 25 will just be a bad idea overall? I don’t get her hesitation because she will not address it. There, a chink in her armor. I figured out a flaw! Finally! I knew she was human at heart… just ridiculously compatible with me.

It speaks to nature, then… we both had incredibly different upbringings but the things we love, the things we base most decisions (consciously or not) upon, that is the same. The kind of comedy, movies… other less public things. I think. Hope. But will never get to know.

So we’re very different but remarkably similar which means what? That you come out with a specific taste for entertainment? It’s weird. But I wonder if anyone’s done tests on it… Hopefully I’ll remember to look it up when I’m sober. There is nothing worse than trying to read really interesting non-fiction when you’re high. You feel like you learn nothing from it…