Crazy

I told her I was going crazy yesterday which led to the comment about being led on and got the ball rolling down a very long hill.

Then she called. It was late but sleep was not gonna happen yet. And we talked. We FaceTimed actually which was pretty awesome, cause man she is fucking cute. But she is just overwhelmed that there may actually be two guys fighting for her… and  it’s the same two guys. Is she stuck with one or the other for all eternity? Far fetched, granted but we laughed about it. And other things. She is so goddamn easy to talk to…

So now I wait. L was adamant I exercise patience and I am adamant that I will try. She talks to him maybe this weekend, then hopefully me again. Hopefully. I have to just stay in this weird in-between mindset until I hear more again and that should be… fun. 

I love her and now she knows it, so the next move is hers.

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Trippy…

I think I went through all the stages of grief over the course of half a joint. Actually it was writing it all out in an email to her, telling her where I was in my feelings for her and that I was going to let her have her chance with him or whomever she wanted and I was fine, as long as she’s happy.

Cause goddamnit, I do love her. Might not be the kind of long lasting love right now as it’s all honeymoon stage, or was, but it is love. I know because it’s so goddamn pure. I can’t call it anything other than pure, which sounds terribly cheese ball and hammy but that’s how it feels. When I think of her, I guess now it’s when i thought of her cause I have to make an effort to push her from my mind cogs, so when I thought of her, I felt better. Calmer. This silly ass life I was building for us in my mind mansion was nothing but… awesome things. Much like A, she is going to be VERY hard to top in any future romances… Which sounds ridiculous when you think it’s only been a few weeks, but makes perfect sense when you factor in how long we’ve known one another.

Now I have to figure out something to do for my birthday that won’t make me wish I was doing what I had planned with her… also not an easy thing to pull off.

She’s still at work and will likely not text me for another 45 min, if she ever does again I guess. How she will respond is honestly a mystery and I’m enjoying having literally no idea… with wife it was only two possible reactions; anger or dismissal. She is different and empathetic and compassionate and i just do not know how she’s going to react.

It’s like we’re on that bed again…

Maybe I try too hard…

Or not hard enough? I don’t allow other feelings to be more important than my own when my dander is up… when i feel I’m going to lose something that I’ve only just found and have not even scratched the surface of appreciating. I don’t know how else to tell her how I am and how she makes me feel so much better about all that just by… being.

But maybe she’s not as into it as I am. Maybe that’s why she keeps taking a distance when things get even a little complicated. Maybe she really doesn’t love or want to love me and I’m just spinning my wheels. Though my options are staying open, the forecast is not looking too good for any other romantic prospects. Maybe I’m way further along this path than she is and she just has to catch up. That would be nice…

Then again, maybe I will just be alone the rest of my life. Maybe that’s what happens to guys who not only cheat, but fall in love, with another woman when they’re married. Maybe it’s just fate and I can do nothing about it, though I have a hard time believing in fate. Sometimes. Sometimes I can’t believe anything but, like when I email a girl I’ve not talked to in years to say I’m sorry and we just… keep… talking.

Doesn’t she see the magic in that? Probably not. I’m a fucking hopeless, hopeless romantic and can’t help but over-analyze all of this a thousand times. There is nothing else that comes anywhere near taking up the amount of space in my brain as this stuff does, though when it’s smooth and feels right I can focus on all sorts of other things. Jut knowing she would be there when I need her. But maybe she won’t be, though, and this is just a ridiculous endeavor that’s only going to hurt us both. Fucked.

FUCKED.

Haven’t we had enough of that in our lives already? Don’t we both deserve to be with someone who can appreciate us?

Won’t look, can’t look

At texts. It there are none from her this day will suck that much worse. Gotta get through my kitten gig and then, maybe…

I know she doesn’t hate me and I know she’s just doing this cause it’s fast but I think it’s killing me a bit. And Jesus have I not died enough??

Insensitive, that’s true. So many problems in the world more important than mine, why can’t I just let this stuff slide so I can maybe do something useful for the world? Like what?

Fuck this day.

Because fate is a fickle bitch

As soon as I posted my last diatribe explaining just how much i care for this girl, she is scared by a simple request and the brakes are slammed.

I’m freaking out now and trying to make myself look at this not as an end but an inevitable speed bump when things are going this… fast. And they are, especially for me. I want them to go fast at a distance so I can know if I want/need to be closer to her… I think maybe I make it sound like it’s less of a scary thing for me,  but it is. I just know that what I feel is absolutely pure and genuine and not just an overreaction to my situation. Its just so fucking right and it feels like what should be happening that I can’t help it.

I would love for her to think that, too, but she can’t yet. I have to be patient. If I can’t be patient with her now, when things are really good on every other level (minus distance, of course…), how can I expect to be patient with her if/when we start a life of domesticity? That’s the thing that makes or breaks you; dealing with the day to day.

Wife and I never could. Ever. It was not a good idea to get married, a worse idea to stay married after it was almost over. But that’s a long, long time ago.  I have to think about what is to come, not what is behind. Don’t look back; you’re not going that way anyway…

This girl can be my future, I know it, I just have to be patient and let this run it’s course. Let her allow her walls to come down a little bit… and they’re not the same walls wife had, but they will keep us apart as long as they stay up. Sounds nice in a blog post but how the hell do I say that to her now without sounding like I’m taking it to personally? And what if she wants me to take it personally but doesn’t enjoy the amount of doubt it causes when I do? She wants to believe I care about her, to really believe it, before she can really let me in so I have to ready to prove it however I can.

Or, like most things, I’m overthinking it. These weekly “maybe that was too far…” things need to stop…

 

This one goes out to the one I love

I will not tell her this. Not yet. Things have to happen, we have to both be sure. But I have to process it with this bit of insight that she does not yet have.

I love her.

Completely and utterly. It’s nothing like the honeymoon stage, though. This is after a lot of pain for us both. She is amazing and strong and finally, finally sees her own value and I see her value a thousand fold and will do everything I possibly can to help her find that much of herself. We have known one another a long, long time and it makes that much more sense because of it. I took her for granted. She was taken for granted for years by him. We finally see how worthy we are of each other, I think…

She is beautiful physically, too, which is very nice. I’m just glad I don’t have to worry about falling for someone I didn’t find totally attractive, like it was with A at first… But that’s not an issue with her. She is perfect. Her body is the kind of things epic length  poem are written about.

Not by me, though. Fuck poetry.

We have 18 months. I have 14 left here, then hopefully to finalize everything will only take 4 extra months, but who knows. It’s going to get weird soon and I cannot even begin to express how much it means that she will be there…it will make this so much easier to go through if I’m not alone. I wasn’t planning on it one way or another, but now that I see how much less painful it can when I have her, I want it no other way.

I want her so, so much. I will see her in 5 months, that is the plan, and we have both agreed we’re worth the wait. I will get my ticket at the end of next month (if all goes well, of course…) and see her for my birthday. It will be the most wonderful of birthdays, I think…

She is amazing and I love her but for now only me and the WordPress population can know it. When it’s all right, when I see her and feel her and know it’s not an illusion and it’s something I can actually have and be, then I will tell her. I will not be able to not tell her then. I am really hoping for at least some level of blissfulness when it finally, finally happens…

7 years without sex. 5 without kissing. 3 without… any show of affection at all. Too goddamn long.

 

 

So much

Wow a lots happened since I last blogged. Oregon was amazing, M was amazing and his girlfriend is a badass. I hope he keeps her happy for at least another 20 years.

When in Oregon things got… spicy… with J. Didn’t expect it, or I did but maybe not so soon, and last night we talked for hours. It was pretty amazing and I’m still reeling from it today. I have to tell A&L about it but they’re too busy before next week… very curious to hear their thoughts. 

What are my thoughts though? It’s not like a geographic difference of 6k miles is a small thing to get past. So we will help one another, encourage one another, and hopefully something will happen closer to home for us both. Soon. Cause if not… things could get complicated quickly. Cause she’s way, way more awesome than I remember, which shouldn’t be a surprise. It wasn’t just her willingness to get naked at the drop of a hat that kept me thinking of her all these years, but she was with D. Now she’s not. I was with wife. Now I’m not. Both things kinda happened in November (though she had a relapse in Dec) which is cute but I’m sure doesn’t mean anything much…

Started volunteering at QAS too. That’ll be a fun gig, hopefully I can help with their tech. Maybe with some help from J. 

Tonight is canna-yoga! Should be interesting…