More issues

I’m on vaca. Enjoying myself. Missing her. In a hot tub, wishing she was there. So I called her. And she was not in a good place due to hearing from him and the stupid couch still on the curb. And it really brought it home to me what’s been bouncing around in my head for a while now; I need to back off in my plans.

All vaca I’ve been telling anyone who will listen that I want to marry her and have kids with her and live with her and all that madness. And I just cannot be that expectant of things going well over an additional year apart from one another. I feel like she’s sometimes into what is happening at other times not so much. Or just not able to be due to where she is in her D mourning period.

Plus, I’m remembering as I write this, she remarked her aunt was in town, so that would absolutely explain why she was so emotional over those things. I don’t know, I’ve not been with her and I just can’t fully believe/understand how she feels until I am. And hopefully a week will be enough to at least be able to put things in a more realistic context when I get back from it.

But nevertheless, I think my original plan of returning too cool should remain. Tomorrow is roller coasters and I can’t let anything spoil that enjoyments. I will detach myself from her more and try to need her less and focus on me, and what I enjoy.

Niece and Nephew. Me, Uncle. They’re both adorable, and she is pretty awesome. He’s too young to tell now, but he’s super sweet so that helps a lot.

Okay, sleep now…

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Vacation #4

In FL again, having a fun time. Mom and me went indoor skydiving and zip lining and have had all kinds of adventures so far. And her new guy seems pretty cool, I have to say… so hopefully he’ll keep her/she’ll keep him around and she can finally find some happiness. I honestly don’t know if I could live through the amount of heartache she’s had, first my dad then the asshole then the endless string of guys since. But she’s made changes to make herself happier, and hopefully he will be one that sticks around for awhile.

And the new girl? She’s had an off week at work but now she’s done for the year so hopefully I’ll start seeing more of the side(s) of her I like the most, the ones that make me her center and give her ideas of what we can do together when I’m finally there.

She is my world right now. Its kinda awesome and terrifying at the same time because part of me is always looking at pretty much everything and wondering how it would be if she were with me. Or if her and I could be doing this activity or that, and it’s not always just naked stuff. I worry that the day will come I’ll get tired of hearing her voice or laughing with her or something like that, and the only thing I have to tell myself that won’t happen is my own feelings of self worth, which are minimal at best. So hopefully my lack of overall confidence in being a decent lover and companion will mellow the closer things get to being real, and hopefully she’ll always be this amazing to me, no matter what happens.

The divorce may test a lot of those limits and while I’m terrified to predict where things may be this time next year, I feel like it will be better if she’s able to stick with me through it. I love her and want to be with her and for now, that’s all that matters.

Better

Wow, that was some bleak shit. I hate that I can be that way but I’m very glad to have a place it can be vented anonymously, because it does help to get it out.

She had two really good phone interviews today, got a second for both, and HR told her to go to C to tell him what T did. Love it. She’s feeling empowered and she got pretty sexy for a bit because of it. Then M showed up and everything got… public.

Hope she has fun, she deserves it. I hope we can talk later but I don’t think I’ll be waiting for her…. we’ll talk tomorrow and she’ll have me all day if she wants. And we’ll talk and we’ll enjoy one another as much as possible. I love her so goddamn much. It hurts sometimes, seriously. Especially when I have some intoxicants heightening the effect.

I want to feel this way with her. Specifically I want to be this level of intoxicated and be able to touch her and kiss her and basically worship her, cause that is all I want to do right now.

Yeah, now…

Supposed to

Be a fun night, something to take my mind off of shit and enjoy myself. I remember feeling kinda good for a while but it was passing.

I am no use to her. I am too far and too fucked up to be of any good for her. I think it’d be better if I just wasn’t around anymore. I thought Wife was all that could give me these ideations but I guess it’s just me. Being.

Yes, I don’t want to live anymore. It’s too painful. I think maybe I might be able to be happy but maybe it’s just not what I’m supposed to be. I feel like I’m only shown glimpses of being happy, fulfilled in any way, then it’s just… removed.

What brought this on? While I was trying to have fun she texted and said she was yelled at and has basically ignored me since. So I’m of no comfort to her and will likely only make things worse if she did call, so what use am I? I probably won’t talk to her again till after the party and who knows what might happen there. I feel like taking myself out of the picture is the only way to ensure a discontinuation of the pain.

Yea, very ugly night. Maybe sleep will help. Or maybe I’m just not meant to be alive…

Better…?

So we talked, she said she’s not giving up and was sorry for upsetting me… but we won’t know anything is real until we see one another, which thankfully she is not cancelling.

The issues with wife getting any word of this are merely speculative for now, plus she’s said over and over that she doesn’t care, but I need her to know that I will do all I can to make sure she’s not dragged into this at all. Ideally no one finds out about us until we announce our engagement.

Wow, that is ideal. For now I just need to get through today and (gulp) tomorrow, which is her Xmas party and with all this shit floating around in her head she may think it’s the best chance she’ll have of  trying something new and make a move. Or she won’t. But I don’t know how much alcohol there will be and/or how much she’ll partake. My choices are I can either worry about it non-stop or try and put it out of my head. It’ll likely be somewhere in between.

But the point is things are better, if I can just get out of this “I’ve ruined everything again” mind frame, that would help a lot. Argh. I just want to do things that make me happy, but more and more I feel like she needs to be a part of it and I’m terrified she won’t be.

Now to research some legal questions for my state…

What the fuck did I just do…?

I tried telling her that I didn’t know how things would pan out in this divorce but I would do everything to keep her out of it. It turned into her asking some very, very big questions about our future.

My “friends”. They don’t like her. She doesn’t care what they think but she does care what he thinks. And can’t stand the thought of him going bitter on her in a few years… so by giving her these thoughts, I may have just ended this whole relationship before it was even consummated.

She is thinking about having me cancel my flight. She said she isn’t really, but she is. She’d likely offer to pay for it cause she’d feel bad. But if I refuse? Then it just gets weird cause it’s not the fun thing it was supposed to be. I can beg her to let it go on, because I’m so madly in love with her that it won’t be able to penetrate any criticism or judgments. She is worth it.

Which was the only point I was trying to make in the first place but… man it went south fast.  I can’t help but feel like it maybe something she can’t get past….or maybe when she sees she can get past it, it’s because of her feelings for me.

Is that too much to ask? Probably.

Wow. What the FUCK did I just do?!!

 

Her and a different him

In that I mentioned her Xmas party to B today and it stuck in my head. And now the worry is back and I need to stomp it down it doesn’t taint her night in any way. I need her to go, have fun, not worry about me feeling bad or issues with people she works with, just enjoying herself.

She really deserves it, and deserves it without my voice in the back of her head telling her to be good or she’ll hurt my feelings. I want that voice in her head, but naturally and NOT my voice. Her own. Maybe her dad’s? Anyway I want her to want to be good for me, but not because I say anything about it. Just naturally…

Mine is tomorrow, hers is Fri, then it’s in the past. Then my trip, holidays, and a VERY long January, methinks. Once we’re able to be with one another, in the same room and able to touch each other, things will, as she says, solidify. She’s very tactile. Which then makes me worry that much more about her party because she can see this guy… same name as her little bro, though, so I hope that alone is enough to keep it … distant.

I just really want her to have fun, get drunk, and call me. Not go anywhere with him, but go home and call me so we can do the thing we do so well for one another. Above all else is fun, though. I want her to have fun and let go. She really has earned it. I hope she’s able to, and I really hope this is enough to keep me from actually saying anything to her about it. I will mention mine casually cause we’re bowling and I love bowling, and maybe she’ll say something about her own.

The dressing up. That’s what bothers me a lot. I don’t want her to look too good… But I know however she looks I will love all the pictures of her I get. Unless there’s one of her and him and… okay.. Can’t go down that road. I hope M is going and he can at least keep an eye on her. But he doesn’t like me, I don’t think, so maybe he’ll encourage her to do something else. Horniness and a drunk her is a dangerous combination. Though I guess only for me…

But she’s not going to want to start anything so close to me being with her, will she? Or run the risk of starting something? God she probably genuinely doesn’t find him attractive but I can’t help but worry. Again, he’s real. He’s there. He can touch her. He will touch her, at least to dance. And seriously, he better fucking dance with her. Any man who does not is a straight-up fool. There’s literally no reason not to, she is beautiful, she is with you and pressed against you but wait it’s not you it’s him because you’re still so far away and she’s been so lonely and cold at night and just how nice would it feel to be with a man again and Jesus Christ do I have to get this out of my system….

God I really love her so much. And what’s not to say something similar happens to me? With G or something. My god, that would be hard to say no to. I just hope hes not anywhere near as good looking to her as she is to me. That’s a confusing sentence, but I’m keeping it.

I still have two hours to think about this and worry about it. So what I should do is,  I should just lose myself in some entertainment for a while. I have to take my mind of it, or I will do something stupid like email her…

Okay, that’s the plan. Wish me luck!