Distraction

Got a new bed. It’s very nice so far… comfy and big! So big compared to that pos on the floor for three goddamn years, 

We settled up. Cards on the table. No funny business allowed. But since she’s all I have to distract me now, she still taking up a lotta space in my brain.

But I think I’m feeling something changing. Need more to occupy my mind and I’ll feel better.

A hobby.

Yea that would be nice but… what?

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First fight…

In a few weeks. Another one that started as nothing and one of us took things way too seriously and got upset, then angry, then mad. But she’s always mad. She’s always miserable and always 100% blames me for it, which is retarted. I may be a contributor to her misery, but most of what makes her so miserable is in her head.

And I don’t want to trash talk her. Here or anywhere. No satisfaction can come from that, it sure as shit didn’t before. I just want us to co-exist and not be at each other’s throats. It will make the time we have to sit through together that much more bearable.

Time to send that email…

Air: Cleared

Finally told her the things floating around in my head, finally feel like we’re at a better place so we can actually plan on being friends and not have to worry about so much potential emotional fallout. I feel better, I hope she does too.

I was too obvious. I need to cut it out so there’s no fucking gossip about us being a thing cause that is just unacceptable. She’s in a relationship, I’m still married, nothing other than friendship makes any sense. And we’re coworkers. And yes, to a point I’m saying it to convince myself, but that’s all right. She’s very attractive so of course I’m attracted to her, but that’s not something I have any intention of acting on.

I won’t bring up the email again if she doesn’t.

Kay, onto more realistic things, like how I’m going to get wife to agree to anything in this divorce…

Silly

That’s what she said I was but… something went wrong as I’ve heard nothing since then. I wonder why. We were talking find, discussing food, then something went wrong when I touched her arm, asking for a recipe.

Seems weird so I’m sure there’s more to it than that. But whatev I need to stop thinking about it. I’m actually okay today despite this lack of attention. Gotta get used to that…

Time well spent

A & I talked today more than most days. She writes. I had no idea and I really want to read her work… and maybe get VC to look if it’s good.  Maybe she sucks. But she was excited for The Dark Tower and I had forgotten that was one of the first things that make me start feeeling like this for her.

How is that? How do I feel? Admiration. Fondness. Affection. I want to spend time with her. We walked & bullshitted today and it didn’t feel forced… anymore than any interaction with another person I’m really hoping likes me would be. Which is to say not as much…

I hope we can talk about this at some point but if not … I’m good with learning about her. Gotta keep the one-sidedness in mind though. She needs to want to know about me. So far, she hasn’t really expressed interest other than what I talk about… but she knows I overthink and I know she does too so I wonder if she’s having the same thoughts.

Remember the post K put up. Know thyself. Then you’ll be ready for something else. Not yet. And not her. Yet. Or ever. I don’t know but I really like how it is now so I have to keep it light…

Tonight

We got the closest to actually talking about it that we’ve been since it all went sideways. 

I’m getting a new bed. Figured it was only fair she be told. No actual reaction other than “youll need a bed frame”… weird. Is she that detached? It’s a relief to think she might be. No worries of last-minute begging to stay or any such bullshit. She’s knows it’s done. She knows I’m done. It’s a very good thing if true.

So maybe I’ll send the email tomorrow… finally. 

I got it, I got it

I got her number off her other place. Now I have it and she’s not really communicative with me which means she’s either upset, the first place I go, or busy.

She knows I overthink everything and she says she does too which I wonder if that means she’s having the same thoughts I am but with way more complications. Way more… I’m so paranoid about screwing anything up for her and it’s a battle because the only way I can tell her that is a way that involves us basically being alone. there are not a lot of those, which is probably for the best.

I think maybe I just need verification that she likes me and I can stop wondering and just enjoy myself. Maybe. Doesn’t really sound like me, but it’s a me I wish I could be, so there’s that.

This new info about D is very troubling. I can’t discuss it or even bring him up since she will never talk about it… I just need to encourage her, remind her how fucking strong and brilliant everyone thinks she is so she can figure it out for herself. That’s really the best way. I want to enrich someone’s life. I feel like I’ve felt like a burden for my entire 30s and I’m done. I have to stop feeling that way and make an effort to build up people I care about.