I can’t tell

I can’t tell if I’m upset or okay with this situation.

Officially housesitting now. One peep from A today and then she vanished. Not sure why but it was super nice out and she has kids so I’m guessing she had her hands full. No bother I know I’m not a priority for her. I’m not a priority for anyone. It’s kinda sad in a way and especially when i say it aloud like that, but for the most part it’s not a worry.

Anyway I’m theorizing that she’s been avoiding me if she can for the lack of having to own up to not wanting to come see me while I’m here. Because she doesn’t trust me, she doesn’t trust herself, or she ain’t got time for that shit. In any event it looks like I’ll be here fully solo all week as much as I was hoping it would be otherwise…

I found the girl on Instagram. She’s so damn cute and smiley but has some demons… and I can’t tell if she’s gay or not. Very annoying. But I will find out eventually, just like I eventually found her name and her online identity to a degree. And it’s more something to keep my brain occupied than anything else. I already feel like I’m stalking her…

I just want someone I can get high with and talk about life. Like I did with L yesterday. Yeah, she’s good with coming by and did on my first night here. And it was nice and mellow, just want I had been hoping for. So in that sense I really can’t complain. It’s so damn quiet here.

I’ll get my learn on this week. I have to. I have to distract myself with something that’s going to benefit me eventually, and that’s something… so I have to.


The issue

First, some health bullshit. I have to get a colonoscopy on Thursday. The doc got me in very quick, which is either worrisome or fortuitous. I’m gonna go with the former, that’s how i role. Wife is taking me to and from. That’ll be interesting.

If it’s cancer, so be it. I won’t be surprised, just a little freaked out. It could just as easily be nothing but me not eating enough food with iron in it, despite my recent spinach intake increase. From zero to some…

Can’t do anything but move forward, though, so no use worrying too much about it.

A is still a problem. Might be a bigger one than I imagined, too, cause I realized that as long as she’s around and I’m finding new and interesting ways to adore her, it’s going to be difficult to stop looking for … something else. And i really want to stop because it’s neither the right time or the right mindset for that. I need to stop doubting myself so goddamn much or I’ll be no good for anyone.

I’m still not entirely sure how I feel about the house sitting. I feel like i’ll enjoy it but always be wanting her with me. Which will be very problematic. She’s not acknowledging it outright like she was which is troubling. She avoids things that make her uncomfortable and I feel like I just need to stop worrying about it or ask her bluntly. I think we all know which route I’m more likely to take…


Finally got back on Prozac again, same tiny dose as before, and can actually feel a difference. Today I had a very brief chat with A but I’m not pining for her. Is that progress?

How about wrapping my head around just how much freedom I have now? I think I’m staring to get it and dig it and am feeling less concerned with being with someone. It’s peaceful. Hoping it lasts.

Woke up insanely late today, missed the gym cause I can never remember their Saturday hours, and spent the day working out my mind cogs instead.

Next weekend I’ll be house sitting. M suggested I send and invite to all the managers, like a bonding thing… not a bad idea, at least to make it fair. Oh and Friday is the boat so it better be nice out…

Next weekend isn’t stressing me out anymore, which is very very nice. I just want to chill anyway so stressing about it makes little sense.

Good god

Another day where a shot mood jus descended for no fucking reason. So goddamn annoying when I want to pissy to everyone and have no idea why. What. The. Fuck?

A has been nice as usual. And I’m ignoring her because I can’t take it right now. I just want to say fuck it over and over and over and then jump off a cliff or something… FUCK

All right, it’s been said

Which means I have to do something about it. I cannot excuse my way out of it, even if she did put up with it it’d be a fucked up way to approach it. I have to try.

I have to try. I have to see if I can try. If trying is weird or works or doesn’t or makes my trips there super awkward or what… what if she’s cool with it and we just don’t gell? I guess that’s what the point of going out for a drink is… is to see if it’s something that will work.

And besides it’s likely her situation is just as complicated as mine… well maybe not just as, but it could be as bad I guess. A said it shouldn’t be immediately brought up when I say something, which is advice I have no problem following. Trying to think of a way to bring it up would be far more stressful.

And hell if nothing else it’d be nice to have a friend I can get high with… that was the approach I was going to take but I’m not sure if it’s the bests route since she works there…

Oh shit… What if she’s the owner’s wife?

I have to first look for a ring… I don’t remember noticing one but maybe I wasn’t looking hard enough. So I look for a ring before I do anything…

Good plan. I hope.


Maybe not a border, perse, but it’s close. It’s looming in the distance… being sad again. And it’s not even so much sad as it is just… hopeless. I’ve always hoped it was just her and her influence but I know better now. It’s something wrong in my brain.

But could it be related to wife? Of course. She was 94% of my life up until very recently, so her effects will not have worn off yet. Maybe I just expect too much of myself, my own ability to heal… I just give up very easily when there are set backs. E is/was a setback. Despite laughing about it over drinks, nothing has changed between us and i feel perhaps they’re worse now that I’ve shown my hand.

But it’s fine. If she can’t handle being friends with someone who doesn’t appreciate being cut off for no reason whatsoever… well, I find it hard to believe she has many friends. Of course they are young; that’s not the sorta shit you put up with as you get older, so perhaps that’s where the difference lies. Besides, karma will eventually show her she shouldn’t treat people that care about her that way, i just hope she still has friends left when it does…

All right so… It’s the quintessential perfect day outside. As comfortable as I am inside, I need to get out in it… just not sure what to do yet. Grill? Walk? Just sit in my front yard and read…? I like that one…


No reason

For me to feel this way but I do. I can be pissed at E for shade, annoyed with A for not commital or blowing it off entirely but why am I so goddamn depressed??

Makes no sense. None. But it’s worrying cause it only seems to be getting worse as the day goes on. Why can’t I focus on my work at least?!? 

I either need a drink or a gun.