More issues

I’m on vaca. Enjoying myself. Missing her. In a hot tub, wishing she was there. So I called her. And she was not in a good place due to hearing from him and the stupid couch still on the curb. And it really brought it home to me what’s been bouncing around in my head for a while now; I need to back off in my plans.

All vaca I’ve been telling anyone who will listen that I want to marry her and have kids with her and live with her and all that madness. And I just cannot be that expectant of things going well over an additional year apart from one another. I feel like she’s sometimes into what is happening at other times not so much. Or just not able to be due to where she is in her D mourning period.

Plus, I’m remembering as I write this, she remarked her aunt was in town, so that would absolutely explain why she was so emotional over those things. I don’t know, I’ve not been with her and I just can’t fully believe/understand how she feels until I am. And hopefully a week will be enough to at least be able to put things in a more realistic context when I get back from it.

But nevertheless, I think my original plan of returning too cool should remain. Tomorrow is roller coasters and I can’t let anything spoil that enjoyments. I will detach myself from her more and try to need her less and focus on me, and what I enjoy.

Niece and Nephew. Me, Uncle. They’re both adorable, and she is pretty awesome. He’s too young to tell now, but he’s super sweet so that helps a lot.

Okay, sleep now…

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No idea

None, at all, about what is happening. She’s very confused, I said things that upset her last night and our conversation ended abruptly. Now I have hours before she’s likely up or I may hear from her but… expectations have to be in check.

Depending on how she is if I hear from her today, I’m thinking of suggesting no contact till after the holidays again. It’s obviously a problem for her, squaring whatever we are with what has happened to her, and our physical distance isn’t helping. So she may need to be alone for holidays so as not to feel like I’m too much a part of her life yet.

Her only response when I mentioned it earlier was “that’s a long time “, which is not “no”. But I it comes up again is only dependent on if she reaches out at all.

So where am I in all of this? Well after my raw emotions yesterday, the screaming and freaking about why this was happening, again, I think it’s all on me. She’s been attempting to keep my feelings for her in check since they were first brought to light, but I’ve paid little heed. Now I have to. I have to distance myself and hope I can return to some sort of level before i scare her off forever, or end up driving off a bridge or something… I’m not good at being alone, that much is obvious. But I think I have to at least try to be again, cause I’m not helping make a potential relationship with her any easier this way. 

And what of Feb? Tickets are done, other plans have been scrapped so I need to just make it to then. I feel like seeing each other will help us both, but it could also have the opposite effect. I just hope she can see the good in being with each other once the day is closer. There are still 87 days to get through before that happens, and I doubt I’ll be this calm through most of them, but I have to at least try.

Aggravated 

I text her before sleep, shut my phone off and wake up many hours later to… nothing. Just makes me feel less needed, more of a pest, and I wonder how often this will happen before she gets it. Before it is also important for her to reach out to me before sleep. I think it’s the fact that it’s so goddamn easy to text, why deprive me of that simple thing?

At least another hundred days of this, I bet…. unless that, too, comes into question. That would be very bad.

But she’s dealing with things the only way she can. I can’t pressure her or make her feel bad, I just need to let her get there herself. Or not get there, if that is the case… yeah, appropriate title for this post. Argh.

Edit: many hours, no word, so she doesn’t notice or doesn’t care. Being the pessimist I am, I’ll go with the latter. 

But realistically… she was going through his stuff all weekend, had more than a few awkward convos with me so maybe she thinks she did something wrong. So what, I reach out only to find out it’s the same shit? I’m in no mood to be equitable right now, so no… I’ll wait. She can reach out when/if she’s ready.

Going to FL for Xmas. TGS is gonna be thrilled…

So much

Wow a lots happened since I last blogged. Oregon was amazing, M was amazing and his girlfriend is a badass. I hope he keeps her happy for at least another 20 years.

When in Oregon things got… spicy… with J. Didn’t expect it, or I did but maybe not so soon, and last night we talked for hours. It was pretty amazing and I’m still reeling from it today. I have to tell A&L about it but they’re too busy before next week… very curious to hear their thoughts. 

What are my thoughts though? It’s not like a geographic difference of 6k miles is a small thing to get past. So we will help one another, encourage one another, and hopefully something will happen closer to home for us both. Soon. Cause if not… things could get complicated quickly. Cause she’s way, way more awesome than I remember, which shouldn’t be a surprise. It wasn’t just her willingness to get naked at the drop of a hat that kept me thinking of her all these years, but she was with D. Now she’s not. I was with wife. Now I’m not. Both things kinda happened in November (though she had a relapse in Dec) which is cute but I’m sure doesn’t mean anything much…

Started volunteering at QAS too. That’ll be a fun gig, hopefully I can help with their tech. Maybe with some help from J. 

Tonight is canna-yoga! Should be interesting…

Not asking a lot

When you tell someone a few times you want them to call you and then you don’t and you see them and realize they’re having a bad day and know they can help but don’t.

I’m fucking lonely again. This sucks.

She’s not going to call before I go, which means I will bring this with me to M’s and then hopefully be able to forget about it. Way, way too much isolation here. And I usually ask for most of it.

I need to not worry about being “on” with people, especially this trip. This is the last one for the foreseeable future and I want to make sure it’s just as memorable… I want to have fun goddamn it. Can’t seem to do that here.

Not with her, of course. I can with her in small doses but once the time is extended I start having thoughts and… well it’s moot since I’m fully aware of how gorgeous he is. They deserve one another.

I can’t even imagine what I deserve…

New reality

Talked to L on the way home from the wake. She said A was dumbfounded by me thinking she hated me. I explained it was a joke and for the most part it was but…

Well it got me thinking. Saturday really did drive home some hard truths. He is a really cool guy. And he is beautiful. I have nothing, at all, on him. I don’t know what, if anything, A might actually see in me, but it’s nothing similar to him.

And thats the harsh reality. I will always miss her, because she will never be with me. Ever. I’ve known that from the start but it all seemed kind of fantastical until I saw… him. He is, as I worried, a genuinely cool guy who I’d actually like to hang out with. We smoked, of course, and i can’t help but wonder if it was weird for her to see that. I wonder about a lot of that day cause I know what I was thinking and it was mostly about her, but I doubt I was taking up that much room.

Oh, and it did not help that she was beautiful. Truly. Everyone knows it, I think it’s why her boss can be such a bitch. She is gorgeous. And I didn’t take a single picture. What. The. Fuck??