So much

Wow a lots happened since I last blogged. Oregon was amazing, M was amazing and his girlfriend is a badass. I hope he keeps her happy for at least another 20 years.

When in Oregon things got… spicy… with J. Didn’t expect it, or I did but maybe not so soon, and last night we talked for hours. It was pretty amazing and I’m still reeling from it today. I have to tell A&L about it but they’re too busy before next week… very curious to hear their thoughts. 

What are my thoughts though? It’s not like a geographic difference of 6k miles is a small thing to get past. So we will help one another, encourage one another, and hopefully something will happen closer to home for us both. Soon. Cause if not… things could get complicated quickly. Cause she’s way, way more awesome than I remember, which shouldn’t be a surprise. It wasn’t just her willingness to get naked at the drop of a hat that kept me thinking of her all these years, but she was with D. Now she’s not. I was with wife. Now I’m not. Both things kinda happened in November (though she had a relapse in Dec) which is cute but I’m sure doesn’t mean anything much…

Started volunteering at QAS too. That’ll be a fun gig, hopefully I can help with their tech. Maybe with some help from J. 

Tonight is canna-yoga! Should be interesting…


Not asking a lot

When you tell someone a few times you want them to call you and then you don’t and you see them and realize they’re having a bad day and know they can help but don’t.

I’m fucking lonely again. This sucks.

She’s not going to call before I go, which means I will bring this with me to M’s and then hopefully be able to forget about it. Way, way too much isolation here. And I usually ask for most of it.

I need to not worry about being “on” with people, especially this trip. This is the last one for the foreseeable future and I want to make sure it’s just as memorable… I want to have fun goddamn it. Can’t seem to do that here.

Not with her, of course. I can with her in small doses but once the time is extended I start having thoughts and… well it’s moot since I’m fully aware of how gorgeous he is. They deserve one another.

I can’t even imagine what I deserve…

New reality

Talked to L on the way home from the wake. She said A was dumbfounded by me thinking she hated me. I explained it was a joke and for the most part it was but…

Well it got me thinking. Saturday really did drive home some hard truths. He is a really cool guy. And he is beautiful. I have nothing, at all, on him. I don’t know what, if anything, A might actually see in me, but it’s nothing similar to him.

And thats the harsh reality. I will always miss her, because she will never be with me. Ever. I’ve known that from the start but it all seemed kind of fantastical until I saw… him. He is, as I worried, a genuinely cool guy who I’d actually like to hang out with. We smoked, of course, and i can’t help but wonder if it was weird for her to see that. I wonder about a lot of that day cause I know what I was thinking and it was mostly about her, but I doubt I was taking up that much room.

Oh, and it did not help that she was beautiful. Truly. Everyone knows it, I think it’s why her boss can be such a bitch. She is gorgeous. And I didn’t take a single picture. What. The. Fuck??


Such a strange tradition we’ve created as a society. A person dies. Their immediate family spent massive amounts of money to bring that persons family together to say goodbye. And if you work with people you tell them about it and they go, too. Is it expected? Assumed that you will go or you’re a shit coworker?

I guess that depends on who you work for but my God I hope I never have to stand at the front of a fancy room and be told “I’m sorry” over and over. I’ve never lost anyone close to me, so I can’t say I know first hand, but i would think that when it happens, you don’t want to be surrounded by people. Or maybe you do.

I guess it’s all a way of letting go, the pomp & circumstance. It’s how we deal with grief here and maybe there isn’t a right way but man… this just seems ridiculous. Other cultures have huge parties to celebrate the person, we just put them in a box in a room and ask others who didn’t necessarily know them come in and say hey. And bye.

I just feel like there’s gotta be a better way so death isn’t so fucking depressing…

A book series done…

Today I finished Orson Scott Card’s Maker series. For anyone unaware, it begins with a relatively short novel called “Seventh Son” and starts from the very first days of it’s principal character, Alvin Smith (Maker). Card started the series in 1987 and finished it in 2003. I feel very out of sorts having never heard of it, but it is a very unique story and not easily categorized as “sci fi” or ‘Fantasy”… it’s all sorts of things and it is brilliant.

Card has a way of making the though patterns of his characters make perfect sense as they’re being described and they come alive because of it. I would love to see someone who is a true, true fan of the books tackle a series on some channnel, but I would not want to see it done by a “director” who was sold on the concept with no familiarity with the source.

That is the worst kind of of adaptation. World War Z, from what I’ve heard, is about like that. Shouldn’t be allowed to have that title considering how different it is from the book… Can’t know until I stop listening to that person’s opinion about what is and what is not good, and see it for myself…

I’m sure she’ll hate The Dark Tower when she finally sees it. That’s how she rolls.

Anyway, the Maker series was fantastic. I wanted to write about it while it’s fresh so when it starts to fade from my memory I can re read this and remember how cool it was…

Three Body Problem is next. Then figuring out how to mail the books back to A. And then Brin. And then Ender’s Game. Has to happen.




Plans were made with A to go see DT movie with D this weekend, but D had to cancel. Which means there is a slight, slight, slight chance A and I might go by ourselves. That would be weird and I’m not going to count on it actually happening, but it would be nice. I would still like to meet her, just to see if she’s someone I would be interested in, but man A has been all sorts of alluring this week… ugh.

All the more reason I don’t feel like the movie will actually happen. In any event, I  WILL see it this weekend, companion or no companion, I just really do not want to see it by myself. And A was very nice about, said over and over it’d still happen but… yeah. Breath is not being held.

No word from J in a few days, not sure why… I do hope it’s for a good reason or two, not anything bad for her. After all she’s been through she really deserves some good things for a while. Some selfless, attentive guy who will make her the center of their universe, instead of the other way around. Problem is she’s always been like that and will likely attract someone who will need her more than she needs them, and the cycle will start again.

Me? I have no idea what I will attract. I’d like to think it’d be someone strong and confident with a wicked sense of humor, but maybe get wrapped up in another broker girl who I wan to fix. Though wife was damaged when I met her, not broken. I feel like I did most of the breaking there, and she let way too much of it happen.

Ugh. Too sober to go down that road.

Sleep. Maybe some TV, then sleep. Trying to stay off the weed but man it’s not easy…