I can’t tell

I can’t tell if I’m upset or okay with this situation.

Officially housesitting now. One peep from A today and then she vanished. Not sure why but it was super nice out and she has kids so I’m guessing she had her hands full. No bother I know I’m not a priority for her. I’m not a priority for anyone. It’s kinda sad in a way and especially when i say it aloud like that, but for the most part it’s not a worry.

Anyway I’m theorizing that she’s been avoiding me if she can for the lack of having to own up to not wanting to come see me while I’m here. Because she doesn’t trust me, she doesn’t trust herself, or she ain’t got time for that shit. In any event it looks like I’ll be here fully solo all week as much as I was hoping it would be otherwise…

I found the girl on Instagram. She’s so damn cute and smiley but has some demons… and I can’t tell if she’s gay or not. Very annoying. But I will find out eventually, just like I eventually found her name and her online identity to a degree. And it’s more something to keep my brain occupied than anything else. I already feel like I’m stalking her…

I just want someone I can get high with and talk about life. Like I did with L yesterday. Yeah, she’s good with coming by and did on my first night here. And it was nice and mellow, just want I had been hoping for. So in that sense I really can’t complain. It’s so damn quiet here.

I’ll get my learn on this week. I have to. I have to distract myself with something that’s going to benefit me eventually, and that’s something… so I have to.

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Border

Maybe not a border, perse, but it’s close. It’s looming in the distance… being sad again. And it’s not even so much sad as it is just… hopeless. I’ve always hoped it was just her and her influence but I know better now. It’s something wrong in my brain.

But could it be related to wife? Of course. She was 94% of my life up until very recently, so her effects will not have worn off yet. Maybe I just expect too much of myself, my own ability to heal… I just give up very easily when there are set backs. E is/was a setback. Despite laughing about it over drinks, nothing has changed between us and i feel perhaps they’re worse now that I’ve shown my hand.

But it’s fine. If she can’t handle being friends with someone who doesn’t appreciate being cut off for no reason whatsoever… well, I find it hard to believe she has many friends. Of course they are young; that’s not the sorta shit you put up with as you get older, so perhaps that’s where the difference lies. Besides, karma will eventually show her she shouldn’t treat people that care about her that way, i just hope she still has friends left when it does…

All right so… It’s the quintessential perfect day outside. As comfortable as I am inside, I need to get out in it… just not sure what to do yet. Grill? Walk? Just sit in my front yard and read…? I like that one…