I can’t tell

I can’t tell if I’m upset or okay with this situation.

Officially housesitting now. One peep from A today and then she vanished. Not sure why but it was super nice out and she has kids so I’m guessing she had her hands full. No bother I know I’m not a priority for her. I’m not a priority for anyone. It’s kinda sad in a way and especially when i say it aloud like that, but for the most part it’s not a worry.

Anyway I’m theorizing that she’s been avoiding me if she can for the lack of having to own up to not wanting to come see me while I’m here. Because she doesn’t trust me, she doesn’t trust herself, or she ain’t got time for that shit. In any event it looks like I’ll be here fully solo all week as much as I was hoping it would be otherwise…

I found the girl on Instagram. She’s so damn cute and smiley but has some demons… and I can’t tell if she’s gay or not. Very annoying. But I will find out eventually, just like I eventually found her name and her online identity to a degree. And it’s more something to keep my brain occupied than anything else. I already feel like I’m stalking her…

I just want someone I can get high with and talk about life. Like I did with L yesterday. Yeah, she’s good with coming by and did on my first night here. And it was nice and mellow, just want I had been hoping for. So in that sense I really can’t complain. It’s so damn quiet here.

I’ll get my learn on this week. I have to. I have to distract myself with something that’s going to benefit me eventually, and that’s something… so I have to.

The issue

First, some health bullshit. I have to get a colonoscopy on Thursday. The doc got me in very quick, which is either worrisome or fortuitous. I’m gonna go with the former, that’s how i role. Wife is taking me to and from. That’ll be interesting.

If it’s cancer, so be it. I won’t be surprised, just a little freaked out. It could just as easily be nothing but me not eating enough food with iron in it, despite my recent spinach intake increase. From zero to some…

Can’t do anything but move forward, though, so no use worrying too much about it.

A is still a problem. Might be a bigger one than I imagined, too, cause I realized that as long as she’s around and I’m finding new and interesting ways to adore her, it’s going to be difficult to stop looking for … something else. And i really want to stop because it’s neither the right time or the right mindset for that. I need to stop doubting myself so goddamn much or I’ll be no good for anyone.

I’m still not entirely sure how I feel about the house sitting. I feel like i’ll enjoy it but always be wanting her with me. Which will be very problematic. She’s not acknowledging it outright like she was which is troubling. She avoids things that make her uncomfortable and I feel like I just need to stop worrying about it or ask her bluntly. I think we all know which route I’m more likely to take…

All right, it’s been said

Which means I have to do something about it. I cannot excuse my way out of it, even if she did put up with it it’d be a fucked up way to approach it. I have to try.

I have to try. I have to see if I can try. If trying is weird or works or doesn’t or makes my trips there super awkward or what… what if she’s cool with it and we just don’t gell? I guess that’s what the point of going out for a drink is… is to see if it’s something that will work.

And besides it’s likely her situation is just as complicated as mine… well maybe not just as, but it could be as bad I guess. A said it shouldn’t be immediately brought up when I say something, which is advice I have no problem following. Trying to think of a way to bring it up would be far more stressful.

And hell if nothing else it’d be nice to have a friend I can get high with… that was the approach I was going to take but I’m not sure if it’s the bests route since she works there…

Oh shit… What if she’s the owner’s wife?

I have to first look for a ring… I don’t remember noticing one but maybe I wasn’t looking hard enough. So I look for a ring before I do anything…

Good plan. I hope.