What. The. Hell.

Just when I start to try and settle into a new kind o’ misery, and ready to move forward, she finally reaches out. “Finally”, I say it’s not even been a freaking week. Goddamn time is moving slow all of a sudden…

She missed talking to me. She told him if he didn’t rush off the plan thinking of seeing her, it’s time to call it. I hope he takes that. I hope she stays solid on that simply because she knows that is EXACTLY how I would be acting if I had been with her and then away from her for so long. And how I will likely react if I ever see her again, but that’s a later worry.

She’s sad deep down. I don’t blame her at all, she’s got every reason to be, as do I. The thing I committed and then REALLY committed to just… fell apart. With very little fan fair. And it stings. To know I invested so much and now see… nothing. I think she feels the same but like we’ve both said before, I’m further down the path of being past it than she is. It still hurts her, for me it’s just an annoyance now. I don’t feel pain because I have NO desire to be with mine. She’s probably still got a tinge of want, maybe just due to physical location and her… insatiably… but hopefully she’ll be able to get through that. I would very, very much like to help her through that.

Okay, enough of that. Need to keep focused, think positive if possible. I know it won’t be some kind of magical revelation for her, but maybe if she’s able to see it through a bit further she can make it part of the way there.

Still 100% sure I love her, now I just have to figure out how to prove it.

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So Miserable…

I mean, let’s just be honest, right? That’s the point of this thing anyway.

No word since Saturday and for the most part I’m fine… but today was really bad. I’m not sure why, except maybe the new music. Love-kinda songs so spurred some memories and hopes I had. Stuff I wanted to see happen with/for us.

I could picture it as one of the best kind of loving relationships, cause we’d be best friends. I would have done anything for her, and it terrifies me that she might never get to know that. That she might never fully comprehend how into the idea of being with her I was. That’s what freaked her out, of course, and I will take my share of responsibility for that. I just wish I could talk to her one more time… just say goodbye, like I wasn’t able to do the last time we had to stop talking.

Cause I don’t feel like I can/should reach out. She left it so fucking bleak, I think the least she could do was tell me if she had a better week with our silence or something. And yes, I acknowledge it’s incredibly selfish, but her absence basically was the theme my week built itself around, and it’d be nice if she did the same… Just reached out with a friendly word so thing don’t have to end so… well, bleak is the best word I think.

But if she just gives up, or lets it die (with more than a little bit of gratitude for allowing it to be relatively painless for her)… well I won’t fight her on this. If she’s done, shes done.

And even as I write that I am begging for her not to be done.

I need somebody to talk to

It’s like at times there’s a physical absence I can feel with her out of the picture. It’s obviously not real, but for a while I was able to believe she still wanted me. Still wanted to be with me, to touch me and do all the wonderful things she does so wonderfully. And that she would be, even if only for a short time, so we could see if we really would be good together again. That was my hope for it, doubtful now it was hers…

Yes, I’ll admit that is an especially painful aspect if this is done. I was close, I had a time when I knew i would no longer be a born-again virgin… and it’s gone now. And with her and me it would have been epic, I think. Goddamn I miss her. I could have made up for at least one years’ worth of my celibacy.

Ha!

All right, need to shut it down. Friday. Then weekend. I think maybe I’ll be able to give up much better if this silence lasts till I’m back from the Cape…

 

 

 

Night: Confirmed

It’s the worst. At least tomorrow I’ll be at Q for some of it, and hopefully won’t be coming off a text fight with the wife on top of it. And of course, still no word from her.

Jesus Christ this sucks. I mean it sucks A LOT. I rekindled a friendship, one which had zero chance of being anything else for a long, long time no matter what she may have thought my intentions were, and now it’s just gone. I miss her. I miss her a lot and it’s only been a few days. What the fuck?! Maybe that’s why, it’s only been a few days… will it get easier?

I guess it has to, right? It hurts a lot right now and shows no signs of lightening up. But maybe what AL said was right, they can find me someone to take my mind off of things for a while… though I won’t hold my breath. I don’t want to just “get laid”… I want to find someone I can truly connect with. I thought I had and the fact I misjudged the situation so wrongly makes me doubt my judgement on all other levels. And that’s saying something, since I barely trust my judgement most of the time anyway…

Maybe I’m just too pathetic to actually find someone who can love me, who I can appreciate and who will want to be next to me. Maybe it’s a pipe dream all together and I should just go back to settling into a life of loneliness and sexual frustration…

I’ve been in that life for years now, anyway so maybe I just need to get used to it and stop fighting it.

Night 2

And I feel like if I can make it through this night/day, I can make it through anything.

Very special day today for some people. For me it’s been a day of avoidance and discomfort (at best) for many years and not anything to look forward to. Once I’m done with this “life”, I really hope I can have a few good versions of these days…

No word, not surprised. I took a long walk today and spent most of the time mouthing along with good music, but some thinking. All of this is so ridiculous, and i fear she’s not going to be able to see that before it’s too late. Cause it may take months, years, for her to believe I would have been so good to her… if she ever does. And I know I would have, because she deserves that and so, so much more.

The problem with this is that’s not a real, actual break up. The feelings were so new, they had barely seen the sun before a foot came stamping down on them, so the normal stuff barely applies. I can’t be mad at her, for instance. I have no reason to, she’s doing what she thinks she needs to in order to get better. But i can speak from experience that the love of someone who is truly dedicated to you, who wants to be your equal as much as your protector, can be very healing.

She won’t see it soon, I fear. And I fear no one will ever see that in me and I’ll be alone forever, too, so that’s where fear gets you. Every time I have a scenario flash through my mind, I know it’s never going to happen because I actually saw it happening. Her apologizing. Her remembering how good we can be together. Her wanting me ever again… as soon as it flashes by I know it’s as good as gone.

Today I did have a pretty good realization regarding the timing of all this, however… so a little over a week ago I asked for a piece of info that she felt was getting too close to her, at the same time her worry about what was going to happen when he got back in-country was kicking in. She distanced herself as much as she could, as fast as she could, because she was suddenly awash with confusion. Because she didn’t know what to expect from him , but was pretty sure it wouldn’t be a quick interaction… and might be painful. Shit, if they saw one another there’s a damn good chance she would sleep with him, and I feel like it would start all over…

But maybe she is stronger than that. I’d like to think so, but then I remember how powerless I was with wife when things were at that point,… but then that was many years ago and I sure as shit am not the same person now.

All right, the day is almost done. Time to fully wind down and pray I have no problems falling asleep…

Night

Night is going to be the worst, I think. I can already feel it.. the loneliness. The self loathing. The barely-contained desire to call her and beg or something. I know it will pass and hopefully I’ll be able to re-read this post one day and laugh… but man it is not going to be easy.

She didn’t just make me feel wanted… I felt alive. I felt like anything was possible as long as she was there with me through it. I don’t know why or how I could get that impression after a month… maybe it’s my loneliness taking over completely. like the pent-up sexual frustration (which is about 100 times worse now, thank you very much) but emotions and a desire to be with someone who wanted me. I don’t think that’s an uncalled for thing, and I don’t think it was presumptive of me to get the impression she did want me.

Got rid of the song, too. There are too many things that remind me other than that, but that was a big one. Hopefully will not her it ever again, but…

So ridiculous. She couldn’t see this coming and of course it was going to scare her off… Really, I’m just lucky she didn’t take too long for that to happen. I mean, imagine if it was three months of this semi-bliss and not just a few weeks? Man that would be some long-term healing shit.

I really need a good cry, I think. Had one developing earlier and of course the roommate ruined it. It does mean feeling awful for a while, but hopefully if i wallow in it intentionally there will be less chance of it sneaking up on me.

And the end

FYI, it’s very unpleasant to wake up and read an email from someone who you’ve recently told you were falling in love with (again) wherein they lay out all the reasons it’s not going to happen.

She’s confused, she’s not sure where her head is at, I’m too aggressive and/or needy (not her word, but the implication of it) and maybe she needs to be alone or something. Yea, I’m sure that’s not what’s going to happen with her, but it’s very likely I won’t ever know for sure, so…

So it’s done. I’m contemplating emailing her back but I really doubt I will anytime soon. She can have the weekend at least, but for the most part I’m thinking I won’t say anything to her again for a while. I did want to stay friends but now it’s way too painful considering the thoughts of our potential future I’ve been having. A potential future that is now in ruins.

I would like to think I’m strong enough to let it go at that, to just stop talking to her again and hope for the best for us both. I would like to think that, but who the fuck knows. It’s only been going on like this for less than a month (!) and every day feels like it’s 96 hours long when it’s happening, so maybe I will and maybe I won’t. I know I will feel better if I let her reach out to me and don’t send the email I have drafted. I’m too easy and I’m no challenge (despite the time and distance….) so I’m sure she won’t notice after a while, and find some relief in not having to talk to me anymore.

Cause you know, there’s nothing worse than talking to someone who finds you interesting and cares what you talk about and thinks you’re beautiful. That is just The Worst.

I know she’s overwhelmed and can’t deal with this much attention that wouldn’t actually be able to go anywhere for more than a year, so I will try and be nice about it. I just need to cut her off and do my damnedest to stop thinking about her as someone I genuinely thought I could have a life with again. And hell, since it’s only been a month long fling, maybe it won’t take long to get over. Much like being alone for the rest of my life should be super easy to process eventually…

How it starts

This is how it starts… learning to be patient. Not give into the crazy need to text her again and say I was wrong, I can’t stay away, you need to interact with me… and make myself sound even more like a creepy stalker. No, I have to get past it. Go all weekend without talking to her, or at least without me initiating anything.

I don’t want to make things more confusing for her… she already said she wanted low key and I went about as high key as i could get, telling her I was falling in love with her. But it was saying goodbye, she had an out and didn’t take it.

I really want her talk with him to be done with. And I want her to tell me about it and I want to believe, truly and really believe, if she does tell me that everything will be true. I have to trust her or I will really, really loose my mind. This whole wanting to talk to her thing is bad enough… I can’t start questioning everything. Then she’ll have plenty of reason to run away, I guess… but that sure as hell isn’t what I want.

The birthday I was supposed to have. That will always be the most painful thing about all this, is that could have been epic. A beginning like for real. Seeing one another, touching, attending to the others every single need… it would have been amazing. I think. I mean, I can’t know what could actually go wrong like my weekend with B did, but those circumstances were very very different. I will proudly say I’m going to see her for my birthday (if it actually happens, and I need to be sure I make myself believe it won’t), but only if asked. And roomife will not ask.

I have a fill-in gig tomorrow morning at the Q, which will hopefully be a good way to kick off the weekend. They have new things coming in and I cannot wait to see them…

So I need to find something else to do with my brain. X took up a lot of it for a while, but not enough. I didn’t get far enough or solve enough problems. I did create new ones to solve, of course. That’s how I do…

I will text her before sleep to say goodnight. I don’t know if she wants that to keep happening or not, actually… I mean I guess I shouldn’t since it’s part of just backing off a bit. I promised her and myself that I would be patient. I can do this. Think how much better I’ll feel for not giving in.