Plans

Plans were made with A to go see DT movie with D this weekend, but D had to cancel. Which means there is a slight, slight, slight chance A and I might go by ourselves. That would be weird and I’m not going to count on it actually happening, but it would be nice. I would still like to meet her, just to see if she’s someone I would be interested in, but man A has been all sorts of alluring this week… ugh.

All the more reason I don’t feel like the movie will actually happen. In any event, I  WILL see it this weekend, companion or no companion, I just really do not want to see it by myself. And A was very nice about, said over and over it’d still happen but… yeah. Breath is not being held.

No word from J in a few days, not sure why… I do hope it’s for a good reason or two, not anything bad for her. After all she’s been through she really deserves some good things for a while. Some selfless, attentive guy who will make her the center of their universe, instead of the other way around. Problem is she’s always been like that and will likely attract someone who will need her more than she needs them, and the cycle will start again.

Me? I have no idea what I will attract. I’d like to think it’d be someone strong and confident with a wicked sense of humor, but maybe get wrapped up in another broker girl who I wan to fix. Though wife was damaged when I met her, not broken. I feel like I did most of the breaking there, and she let way too much of it happen.

Ugh. Too sober to go down that road.

Sleep. Maybe some TV, then sleep. Trying to stay off the weed but man it’s not easy…

Wi

Been too long

Since I wrote in this. I guess that’s a good thing since usually when I write it’s because things aren’t going well. But now they’re just.. going. I feel like  my dependence on A has gotten to the point I don’t feel jipped when I don’t talk to her for a while. Not worrying as much about what is happening just trying to live a day after a day after a day after a day…

This week’s gonna be tough if the weather keeps this shit up. It’s ugly out there. Depressing as hell if you let it get to you…

Been talking to J a lot recently. Nice to reconnect and fill one another in on one anothers lives. It’s been too long. Speaking of being too long…

S texted and emailed me the day I came back from IL. Why? Why all of a sudden the contact? I really don’t get it and it makes me a little curious to see, reach out and see what’s what but… but man all I can think is how awful it looks now and it’s so embarrassing and I wouldn’t be able to keep it to myself. And maybe he’ll take it okay or maybe not. Things between us were not left in a good place, like R before him. But why now all of a sudden? So weird.

Two 10 yo parties last weekend. Good times. M was just as fun as last year without the neighbor-relationship-killing that followed last years…. and A’s party for her offspring was a good time, despite the awkwardness of E being there.

I still don’t get her. I want to know what she thinks and why she acts so goddamn … superior to me. That’s the thing that bugs me the most, I think. Her attitude in public. Like I’m overreacting. Fuck her.

Okay, enough of that. Sleep now.

 

Teetering

On the edge of a bad mood. I have to acknowledge it to make sure it doesn’t set in. I’m lonely again. Last weekend I was wishing for some time to myself, now I miss people . Doesn’t help that I spent a gorgeous day indoors.

I need to find a way to get out and do things. Walking. Hiking? I need a bike, too. I feel like if I had another reason to be outside it would be more difficult to stay indoors. Course at the beginning of the summer I vowed to spend as much time in the sun as possible… and for the most part I have. Why is it when i Let myself down it’s so much more painful? No that’s not the right word. But it does feel worse than letting anyone else down.

I need to do something. I need to voulenteer for something, give my time to a cause so I’m not just defined by what I do for work. That was the worst part of last weekend, all the the times I explained my job and…. nothin else. I need something else…

Been a while

Illinois trip done. Weird how towards the time of the trip I let money problems bother me so much that I was dreading the trip. So annoying. No girl is going to want to deal with a man who melts down over the mere thought of being broke…especially when the chances of that actually happening are insanely slim.

Stayed with A in Oak Park. His kid is adorable, his wife is awesome. Their place is freaking awesome. He doesn’t appreciate it as much considering where he grew up, but it is a damn cool place. N on the other hand.. it’s just too old for my tastes. They like it and it’s a family thing, so that helps. His kids are stupid cute, too. Unsurprising considering their stock.

Time with dad was nice; nothing expected of me but just hanging out. I didn’t feel any pressure to be “on” the whole trip, and that was especially nice. Reunion was weird at times, but I’m glad I wasn’t the only one overwhelmed by how big the fam is now.

Cousin P owns a gym with this very cute wife. Cousin J is a freaking chef in Chicago. No kids, not married… one of the few. Oh, also found out I’m a uncle. Brother is married (still), has one 8 year old and one 1 1/2 year old. WTF. Neither mom nor I had any fucking clue. And he STILL hasn’t tried to contact me again. It’s fine, I’ve blown him off enough I can see if he’s bitter. Or just concentrating on being a better father than his was.. Ugh.

Emailed to J and mentioned coming up to Oregon… no response yet.

If A’s taught me anything it’s to not always assume the worst. She did last night, when she thought I was taking her look wrong. Funny, don’t even remember it but it was something that was sticking with her… which means she was thinking about me. She doesn’t want to but…

The trip helped me realize I need to be better about enjoying and appreciating what I have, instead of focused so much on what I don’t. It’s not going to be an easy change of mind, but hopefully I can stick with it… Sure is better than pondering the sweet relief of death to finally end your suffering. Which I will admit has been a thought more than once in the last year…

One more trip and the summer’s over. Seems like it just started. Damn. Well, I will be careful about spending money for no reason so I can go to Oregon without fear of financial failure. Less nights out and more nights at other’s if I can. Or just in, which isn’t as bad as I may have made it out to be… but i was going for sympathy, so there’s that.

Also, got new ink. It’s awesome. S did a damn fine job and it was cool seeing him doing something he enjoys.

Bending in the AM. Must be out.

 

Holidays

Housesitting is officially done; came home today to not a bit of welcome. And I wonder why I feel so shitty so easily… I just have to pull myself out of the situation and focus on what I need to be doing.

What is that anyway? I need to finish my Excel courses but realize I need to redo almost the entire program. Not that it will be a bad thing to increase my knowledge and get the processes deeper into my brain. But I’m so easily distracted, I worry I won’t be able to get it. Perhaps that can be my focus when I return from my upcoming trip…

The fourth is in two days. I’ve been invited to one home for a cookout, which is nice and of course I will be taking them up on, but why do I feel so … ugh? I’m just lonely. I wan to have someone to share this stuff with but I know I’m way too much of a mess to make it worth the time or effort. It’s been a very weird year so far and though it’s had some bad part, its the best I’ve felt in a while because I’m doing things for ME. To make me better. I’m just concerned that I’m overall too boring to be of any interest.

Easy solution, just do more stuff. Much, much easier said than done. I can’t imagine trying to meet new people now unless I was meeting them for a specific reason. That maybe why Meetup is a good idea… I’ll at least have one topic we agree on if I’m meeting people to discuss or share in the love of a specific topic… The party at S yesterday only highlighted how awkward I still am around new people. Especially when I’m an interloper in a tight group, like S and her friends. But I didn’t feel judged or upset at all, just more of E’s ignoring me bullshit. That did help lower my comfort level a bit.

All the more reasons to make friends outside of work…

What do I do?

I don’t want to feel like this. I really wish she knew how much it messed me up to not hear from her. I know it’s going to be a while before that stops hurting, but I kinda hope it keeps up so I can eventually get used to it.

Loneliness. I either embrace it or fight it. If it’s supposed to be right now, though, maybe I can’t fight it. I don’t have enough strength to even consider waging any kind of battle with natural things. If I need to continue be punished by the universe for devoting my life to someone who could never appreciate it then finally being able to break away and still have to be walked on… well fuck that. I’m equally likely to lie down and take it as I am to fight against it… that’s what every day is right now. A fight to beat back the loneliness and find something that will give me a purpose. Something I can distract myself to the point of not thinking about this shit because I’m to concerned with… whatever it is.

Maybe this is all there is. Maybe it’s just a continuous cycle of bullshit heaping on top of bullshit until you die. Not for everyone, of course. But for me. For Wife. For C. It never actually stops because even when nothing is going on and you can relax and kick back and enjoy yourself, you’re still plagued with doubts and worries and existential panic. You never actually get free from it, just little oasis from time to time that make the heaping that much more painful when it starts back up.

Tomorrow I will wake up and go to work and deal with my work problems and focus on my work and try very, very hard to keep her out of my mind. Because that has to start. There has to be a beginning of her getting out of my head, and the sooner the better. The sooner she’s far enough away so as not to affect me any more, the sooner I can focus.

Or am I just making excuses? The whole time I was writing that there was a message on FB that I hoped was from her. But it wasn’t. And so I have that much more disappointment to take with me to sleep. This would be one of those situations that would keep someone up all night if they weren’t like me. So I guess I have that going for me.

I feel like every time I mention that I’m increasing my risk of insomnia. My god I’ll be even more like her if that happens. And soon I’ll be living in a cave, too. Maybe that’s where I’m supposed to be…

I can’t tell

I can’t tell if I’m upset or okay with this situation.

Officially housesitting now. One peep from A today and then she vanished. Not sure why but it was super nice out and she has kids so I’m guessing she had her hands full. No bother I know I’m not a priority for her. I’m not a priority for anyone. It’s kinda sad in a way and especially when i say it aloud like that, but for the most part it’s not a worry.

Anyway I’m theorizing that she’s been avoiding me if she can for the lack of having to own up to not wanting to come see me while I’m here. Because she doesn’t trust me, she doesn’t trust herself, or she ain’t got time for that shit. In any event it looks like I’ll be here fully solo all week as much as I was hoping it would be otherwise…

I found the girl on Instagram. She’s so damn cute and smiley but has some demons… and I can’t tell if she’s gay or not. Very annoying. But I will find out eventually, just like I eventually found her name and her online identity to a degree. And it’s more something to keep my brain occupied than anything else. I already feel like I’m stalking her…

I just want someone I can get high with and talk about life. Like I did with L yesterday. Yeah, she’s good with coming by and did on my first night here. And it was nice and mellow, just want I had been hoping for. So in that sense I really can’t complain. It’s so damn quiet here.

I’ll get my learn on this week. I have to. I have to distract myself with something that’s going to benefit me eventually, and that’s something… so I have to.