Illinois trip done. Weird how towards the time of the trip I let money problems bother me so much that I was dreading the trip. So annoying. No girl is going to want to deal with a man who melts down over the mere thought of being broke…especially when the chances of that actually happening are insanely slim.
Stayed with A in Oak Park. His kid is adorable, his wife is awesome. Their place is freaking awesome. He doesn’t appreciate it as much considering where he grew up, but it is a damn cool place. N on the other hand.. it’s just too old for my tastes. They like it and it’s a family thing, so that helps. His kids are stupid cute, too. Unsurprising considering their stock.
Time with dad was nice; nothing expected of me but just hanging out. I didn’t feel any pressure to be “on” the whole trip, and that was especially nice. Reunion was weird at times, but I’m glad I wasn’t the only one overwhelmed by how big the fam is now.
Cousin P owns a gym with this very cute wife. Cousin J is a freaking chef in Chicago. No kids, not married… one of the few. Oh, also found out I’m a uncle. Brother is married (still), has one 8 year old and one 1 1/2 year old. WTF. Neither mom nor I had any fucking clue. And he STILL hasn’t tried to contact me again. It’s fine, I’ve blown him off enough I can see if he’s bitter. Or just concentrating on being a better father than his was.. Ugh.
Emailed to J and mentioned coming up to Oregon… no response yet.
If A’s taught me anything it’s to not always assume the worst. She did last night, when she thought I was taking her look wrong. Funny, don’t even remember it but it was something that was sticking with her… which means she was thinking about me. She doesn’t want to but…
The trip helped me realize I need to be better about enjoying and appreciating what I have, instead of focused so much on what I don’t. It’s not going to be an easy change of mind, but hopefully I can stick with it… Sure is better than pondering the sweet relief of death to finally end your suffering. Which I will admit has been a thought more than once in the last year…
One more trip and the summer’s over. Seems like it just started. Damn. Well, I will be careful about spending money for no reason so I can go to Oregon without fear of financial failure. Less nights out and more nights at other’s if I can. Or just in, which isn’t as bad as I may have made it out to be… but i was going for sympathy, so there’s that.
Also, got new ink. It’s awesome. S did a damn fine job and it was cool seeing him doing something he enjoys.
Bending in the AM. Must be out.