I don’t want to feel like this. I really wish she knew how much it messed me up to not hear from her. I know it’s going to be a while before that stops hurting, but I kinda hope it keeps up so I can eventually get used to it.
Loneliness. I either embrace it or fight it. If it’s supposed to be right now, though, maybe I can’t fight it. I don’t have enough strength to even consider waging any kind of battle with natural things. If I need to continue be punished by the universe for devoting my life to someone who could never appreciate it then finally being able to break away and still have to be walked on… well fuck that. I’m equally likely to lie down and take it as I am to fight against it… that’s what every day is right now. A fight to beat back the loneliness and find something that will give me a purpose. Something I can distract myself to the point of not thinking about this shit because I’m to concerned with… whatever it is.
Maybe this is all there is. Maybe it’s just a continuous cycle of bullshit heaping on top of bullshit until you die. Not for everyone, of course. But for me. For Wife. For C. It never actually stops because even when nothing is going on and you can relax and kick back and enjoy yourself, you’re still plagued with doubts and worries and existential panic. You never actually get free from it, just little oasis from time to time that make the heaping that much more painful when it starts back up.
Tomorrow I will wake up and go to work and deal with my work problems and focus on my work and try very, very hard to keep her out of my mind. Because that has to start. There has to be a beginning of her getting out of my head, and the sooner the better. The sooner she’s far enough away so as not to affect me any more, the sooner I can focus.
Or am I just making excuses? The whole time I was writing that there was a message on FB that I hoped was from her. But it wasn’t. And so I have that much more disappointment to take with me to sleep. This would be one of those situations that would keep someone up all night if they weren’t like me. So I guess I have that going for me.
I feel like every time I mention that I’m increasing my risk of insomnia. My god I’ll be even more like her if that happens. And soon I’ll be living in a cave, too. Maybe that’s where I’m supposed to be…