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So it begins

This is the post excerpt.

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I need to talk through some shit, I need feedback and I need anonymity. There ya go.

Connections

Sometimes it’s weird. I’d chalk it up to averages but I think it happens to much. Connections. Ones we make that just sit right with the other. Music Man may be the most recent example. Or when I was just finishing the movie I was watching, opened up a new email to write to her before sleeping, and she texts me (finally).

Meh, maybe it’s just me. I don’t know, Sometimes things feel more one-sided than I’m comfortable with. I get we’re not on the same page on all things, but there are times i feel like I’m just a pest. I’m ready to marry her already, she’s got to get to at least admitting she loves me.

Won’t take much for me to want to say it, I fear. But maybe I get lucky and she does first? More likely she won’t come close to say it and things are just off. It’s too good so far, in terms of all the things I think I (we) deserve, and I’m consistently worried that our week will be a disappointment to one or both of us, and then… what?

Do we give up? Admit it was fun but can’t work long term? Keep trying? Ugh. The possibilities are endless for both good and ill, but no matter what we wont know until we try.

I know that, right now, I love her. I hope that’s enough.

Sexless

Honest question, has anyone out there gone without sex for more than 8 years? And not because of sickness or anything like that, just no one to have sex with? What if the one person you were legally sanctioned to bang as much as you want did not want anything to do with you? Ever?

At least not after the affair, that is. Before it was more of a duty than anything else; she’d lay there and pretend to be into it till I was done, blah blah blah. It was boring. She never did anything fun and when even that started drying up, I got desperate. Cause even boring is better than… nothing. I think.

And this was only going months, before. Now it’s been years, years without even being kissed or really touched in anyway. And in a very short amount of time (cosmically speaking), I will be indulging in what could be an amazing blow-out to this second virginity, or the most disappointing week in human history.

For two people, that is.

But she’s right; my mouth works. My tongue works. My hands work. I can make her feel as good as she deserves to feel, even if my particular role is not what I want it to be. There is no reason to leave her unsatisfied in any way. I want her to crave me. I want her to want me the way she did when we had to be away from one another when we were younger. When I moved south and had to make a special trip back just to see her, I needed her so badly. But it’s so much more than sex now.

It was then, too, but I was too dumb to see it. I know things had to be the way they are for any of this to make sense, but I just wish I had seen her back then. In college, but not just the way i did see her when she was in college. Like a student. Studying, passing tests, having reasons to celebrate all the time. Sigh…

But we can still have a life. We can still be something new. Something amazing and as near to perfect as this life will allow, I think. I can marry her. We can have kids. We can raise them the way we wanted to be raised so they’re awesome in their own ways. I truly feel like her and I could be a team if we had half a chance, unlike the wife and I, who should never, EVER, work together. EVER.

I don’t feel that with her. I feel like we would love one another and trust one another and respect one another so much that we couldn’t fight for long. We couldn’t be mad at each other, long term. There are just too many amazing things about her to counter any bullshit we could run into.

But that is a long ways off. Way longer than 38 days. Hopefully it is not just a fantasy…

Less than 40

It’s getting closer. That is how time works, I guess, but still… it’s this huge thing we’ve both probably built up a little too much, but it is kind of a big deal. We’ll see one another with the intent, the understanding, that we want to try the couple thing again.

Sure, on paper it’s crazy. But the connection is there, there’s no doubt about that, and while I know she’s not as there as I’d like, there’s something going on she cannot ignore. She likes talking to me. I like talking to her. We make one another smile and feel cared for, which we both need. Me especially, of course, but she has been deprived of good things, too, even if not for as long or as painfully as I.

Besides, I can’t think she’s coming from the same space I am. I know our situations are different by many degrees, despite the similarities. My starting point is not the same place as hers, in other words, and I think some of the acceleration of my feelings for her are due to my realization that she’s always been this awesome. Obviously I could not have guessed my situation would have gone so badly, so I either didn’t see it or purposefully ignored it. But this version of her has always been there and I could have done amazing things with it when it was fresh, if I had actually paid attention… it’s annoying, but I know things had to happen this way.

And I love her now, at least what I have experienced of her so far. And my memories of her, of course.  I almost said it, half-jokingly, a few times tonight. That would have been annoying, since I have promised myself and her that those words would not be uttered until I can say them to her face. Of course, hoping that she feels the same when I do. So kinda terrifying.

For posterity sake; talked to a lawyer today. Meeting on Tuesday. Fingers incredibly crossed…

 

One last for 2017

Been a weird year. Started it off planning on being single for at least the year, maybe I’d find a girl but from the get go it was just going to be me, focusing on me. Joined a gym and became addicted to it. Actually lost weight and can fit into smaller clothes after a few months. Continued to focus on me…

Saw mom in May, dad in July, M in Sep. Good vacas, all of them… then she happened. She became a fixation after the Sep trip, and has stayed as one ever since. Not many months have passed, when I put it like that, but it feels like a lifetime.

We focused on the pain we were in, we talked about maybe we should have been together instead of the choices we made, and we decided we needed to try this out again. I don’t think it was ever just a hookup, I think we’ve both had bigger hopes for this since. Still more than a month until, so I’m sure it won’t be the last post about it, but at least I feel like the days of it being possibly called off are passed. Of course, I do have a doctor appointment on Tuesday, so who knows…

Started volunteering. Found to be good at it, not surprising as it involves working and I do like working when I can. Being useful, even if it doesn’t pay anything. But…

Her disinterest in pets has opened up some new possibilities to me. Before I couldn’t see myself without at least a cat, now I feel like they’re a lot of work and I get pretty much zero benefit in terms of their affection. Just scooping and cleaning poop, wife gets all the love. So yeah, I can see myself being done with it. Especially if it means I can be with her.

New year will bring a divorce (even quicker than I had hoped!) and who knows what else. Maybe I’ll get all I want out of this process and we’ll both walk away, content with the knowledge we don’t have to deal with one another anymore. Then to her? That remains to be seen, of course, but since humans can only really think a year in advance, I can at least hope we’ll be much more solid by then, and there will be less questions and uncertainty. Technically, if all goes well, I’ll have see her multiple times by the time NYE rolls around again, and that will make me a very different person than I am now, I think. Cannot wait to see what he’s like.

But now, tonight, I’m tired. Too tired to be partying until 1 or 2, but that is the plan. I need to be sure I can stay up for her NYE in addition to mine, so that’s a long time without sleep. Fingers crossed!

Happy New Year!

Posterity

For the sake of it;  I was served divorce papers yesterday. Oh great good golly gosh it’s finally happening! I was planning on moving on it in a few days when I have legal services, but she did it first!

I know it’s not really something to get excited for, P from work reminds me how terrible a divorce can be on a regular basis, but it’s a step in the right direction. She’s been having mixed feelings on the whole me being married thing and I do not blame her. I think it helped a lot when I showed her the summons, to be honest. It’s really happening.

Now just have to work out the details. Assess the house, get figures, make offers. Fingers fucking crossed.

“Home” again

My stuff is here, my cats are here, my job is here, but it doesn’t feel like home. Of course I don’t really know what does anymore, so maybe I just don’t know what the word actually means.

Broke after the vacation, no surprise there. Had my first Lyft last night and it was spot-on, so they’re on my plus list. Nothing a silent, fast ride home to make up for the hours of delays sitting in an airport. But her?

We talked at the airport and she was crying because she had done something and upset her nephew, which was ugly in an of itself. Then she finally reminded me that this was when he proposed to her and the day was that much harder to get through because of it.  Because she thought it was going to happen, and it never did. That’s a bullet dodged, we both acknowledge that, but it doesn’t make it any easier for her to be alone. Eventually I think she cheered up from talking to me, but how long does it last when she’s off the phone?

And how long will she be alone? I have no idea. No idea if she’ll even want me with her or if I’ll want to be with her when I finally can be. So we’re both alone and need to deal with it better, especially me. She started off the day not feeling the flirting I was doing but now she may, though I’m not really in a mood cause I feel like I’m forcing it. We’ll see. It’s almost always better once we can actually talk to one another; this texting thing is lacking, to say the least. And she’s got the entire week off so hoping that means we’ll talk even more than normal.

Right now I can’t be trusted with my thoughts or feelings, too little sleep has happened. All I know is I was ready to throw my hands up on all this a few times today, so I have to use this to get it out and hopefully re-center my emotions. I know she likes me, she does make time for me, which is not something I’m used to, but what are my expectations? I just want to get through the next 50ish days and hope it makes way more sense when we are looking at one another.

Christmas

Mixed feelings this year, as with most. Family is here and that’s pretty cool and oh so rare, but she is not and that is kinda painful.

Not that I’ve had many with her over the years anyway. I always knew she loved the holiday, I’ve never been the biggest fan of all the pomp & circumstance, and this is the first time since we were dating so many years ago that we’ve been in contact during. So I don’t know what to expect of her, if anything. For her its all about family, especially with him out of the picture and me no where even close. So I can’t expect any sweet messages or any thing too unwholesome, and should just focus on the few hours I have remaining with my brother’s family.

Yes, this can be a good day if I just don’t let little shit bother me, focus on enjoying myself before I have to get on a plane. Ugh.